When Teasing Isn't Teasing

At our last appointment with Dr. A, this past Tuesday, Bub didn't even bring up "the fight."  Instead, what he & Dr. A ended up talking about was teasing, and perception of teasing.  Such an interesting, yet frustrating conversation.  I stayed mostly out of it, just sat and listened.

Bubba has told Dr. A in the past that the gets teased and bullied a lot at school.  She requested that he write down each time something like that happens so she can go over it with him.  Over the past couple weeks, he's written down about 4 instances to share with her.

At the meeting, he shared that as he was running down the hall at school, a group of three 8th grade boys was standing there and one said, "Run, little bastard, run!"  This was extremely upsetting to Bub who takes any profanity as extremely insulting and shocking.  Bub internalized this incident and interpreted it as being bullied.  Dr. A. explained that these boys didn't know him, so he really wasn't being bullied or teased, he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and they would have said that to anyone.  She said, "It doesn't matter if you were a squirrel or a dog running by.  It wasn't about you."  Bub had a very hard time understanding that this wasn't personal.  The Aspergers mind has a hard time taking other people's points of view.

Dr. A. explained that if someone else had witnessed the incident occur, who would they have judged? The other boy.  She also did a really good job trying to explain to him that he is not the only one who feels he doesn't fit in.  She said that all kids his age feel that way, and the boy who said "run..." was simply showing that he was trying to fit in with his friends.  It was his own insecurity showing and had nothing to do with Bub personally.

Bub has a lot of work ahead of him.  He has to learn not to take everything so personally and to stop assuming that anything someone says to him is hostile.  Dr. A. tried to explain that "it's the story you tell yourself about what they said that hurts you, not what they said."  For example, if someone says, "I don't like that video game that you like", Bub would take that to mean "I don't like you.  You like stupid things. You aren't cool."  What we need to help him understand is that he could choose that thinking or he could choose to think "Oh, they don't like that video game."

This is going to be difficult, as he is so emotionally rigid about this.  We will have to chip away at this thinking a bit at a time.  I don't want Bub growing up in the role of victim, especially when there is no victimization occurring.

Song: I'll Stand By You