A Place for Us

Today we had a meeting at Bubba's school because he was given a detention notice that I didn't agree with.  Now, before I sound like the mom who will rush in and defend her child no matter the circumstances, Bubs has served a detention before because it was warranted. I believe in the power of consequences and making your own bed.  That being said, though, there are times when situations are stacked unfairly against a kid like Bub.

He likes to do his own thing in class, sometimes while listening to the teacher and sometimes while refusing to do what's required of him.   In the beginning of the year, we met with all the teachers and said that rather than get into a big squabble with him, if he refuses an assignment, send it home and we will be sure he completes it for homework.  He will not get away with refusing to do his work.

In math class the other day, he was drawing. The teacher says she approached him three different times and asked him to put it away and start on his classwork.  Bubba pushed the drawing aside but in a matter of seconds went back to drawing and neglected to do his assignment.  The teacher, now annoyed, took the drawing from him and he said he didn't care because he didn't want it anyway (Defensive due to embarrassment and frustration).  Teacher said "good then I'll just throw it away" (provoking).  After that exchange, he was expected to get down to business and finish his assignment.

Anyone who understands Aspergers would know that it won't work that way.

When she demanded that he get busy, he (already flooded with negative emotion and in pre-meltdown-mode) crossed his arms and said, "If you treat me like dirt, I'll treat you like dirt."

Okay, I fully admit it was wrong for him to say that, however --- he had been provoked and an Asperger mind doesn't effectively filter what comes out of the mouth when in a state of heightened emotion.  I am definitely in favor of discussing that with him, explaining (again) the boundaries of student/teacher relationships and the respect that should be given to authority figures.  The teacher wrote him up for "disturbing the class" and they wanted him to spend two hours after school in detention.

I was not board with that.  To me, it would be like punishing a hard-of-hearing student for not listening.  What Bub needs is TEACHING, not punishment.  He needs full explanation and detailed role playing and a complete investigation into what should have happened and where things went wrong.  He is able to learn and will learn, but right now this is not something he understands or is capable of.  Will sitting for two hours after school - after spending his entire day there already, putting up with all the over-stimulation and demands and social pressure - help him in some way?  Lumping him in with the students who committed more serious offenses like cursing a teacher out or smoking in the bathroom will be ... helpful?

I called the meeting.  I refused to sign the detention form.  All of the teachers on his 6th grade team were in attendance, with their various complaints about his behavior, from singing in class to refusing work to fiddling with objects.  We know.  We have heard it all before.  Now, to be fair, they do work with him and they don't come down on him for everything, but sometimes I don't understand why he isn't being more creatively redirected or worked with by the special ed teachers in the room.  Didn't they go to school for kids like Bub?

Is he such an anomaly that not one of them can come up with an effective method of working with him?  If he's dancing and singing and popping his head in and out of the classroom door and doing other attention-seeking behaviors, shouldn't someone know how to handle that and get him to produce some work?  Where is the classroom management skills and the teaching expertise?  Why not incorporate a little creative problem solving, some reward systems, some psychology, a deal, an ultimatum...something!?

"Well he has three zeros in my class because he was reading his own book while we were working."

Really!?? And who was allowing to him to sit there and read and get zeros?

I know that some people will say it's all Bubba's fault for not doing what he's supposed to, and to some extent he is responsible, but there are special ed supports in place for a REASON.  Figure him out for Pete's sake!

So anyway, I declined the detention and we all decided he could write a letter of apology and that next time his mouth runs before his brain stops it, he may serve detention.  Okay, well at least he has fair warning and we can work on this ad nauseum before he steps in it again.

None of the teachers have had Asperger's training.

The vice principal, also in attendance at the meeting, commented on how "in 7th grade, things will be even tougher because they won't treat him with kid gloves."  Oh good.  Not that he should be treated with kid gloves, but what are they going to do - not CARE that he has Aspergers and isn't always going to do the right thing or say the right thing?  Give him detention every day because he's not jumping when they say jump?

I picture a school where teachers understand Aspergers and see my son for the talented, intriguing, and creative kid he is.  Where they know how to motivate him and allow him to be himself.   Where he can be excited about learning and know it's safe to make mistakes and to learn from them in a supportive rather than punitive environment.  It's such a shame that he has to go through his education feeling like he's in a meat grinder every day. 

Sometimes it's just so exasperating that our boy is such a square peg being forced into a round hole.  It's not fair to him as an individual, as his own human being.  There are definitely important lessons he has to learn, and we will tackle them as we always have, but to be so vastly and grossly misunderstood... to be told he's "defiant and rude", it's just shining a light on what's already obvious, that this is not the place for him. But I don't know that a place for him yet exists.

Song: A Place for Us