One of the hardest and most painful lessons for me, as a semi-control-freak Mom, to learn was to back off. I really like doing things for my kids because to me, it means I love them and I want them to feel mothered. Because my parents both worked a lot when I was younger, I did most things for myself and didn't always feel the nurturing I longed for. I probably overcompensate for that a little bit when it comes to my own kids.
I like picking out their clothes every night and putting them on the couch for the next morning.
I like packing their lunches (sometimes. Bub is NOTORIOUSLY picky and there are days I can hardly think of anything to feed him).
I like straightening up their rooms.
I like buying them little things.
I like setting out their pajamas after their shower/bath.
I like going through their bookbags and setting out their homework.
Those kinds of things.
And while all of that is probably no big deal, there does come a time when you have to back off. The time that Dr. A told me to back off was painful. I hated her for a few days afterwards. I'm used to doing things for my kids and going to battle for them when necessary, but when Dr. A explained that I had to let them do more for themselves, I was overcome with a deep sense of loss.
I could hear it, understand it, and know it was true, but that didn't make it any easier to accept. Being a "glommy mommy" is hard to give up, in essence because it means they're outgrowing me. No, I'm not getting all melo-dramatic and I understand that at ages 9 and 12 they still need me (a lot), but in order to set them up for responsible and confident adulthood, I had to start with the little things and that meant allowing them to take over some aspects of their care.
Dr. A explained that life is like a very complicated machine that has lots and lots of parts that have to be learned in order to run it. There are some buttons and controls that kids can't reach yet on the machine and so you still have to be in charge of those, but the ones they can reach, they should be taught how to work. If you're training a new employee to run a machine, but you always control certain parts of it, then you leave and expect them to understand how to run all the parts, you've set them up for failure. The goal is to have them running the entire machine on their own as they're able to reach the buttons.
She mentioned this analogy during a time when Bub was really struggling with organization at school and was having trouble managing himself in the classroom. Because he was floundering so much, I was stepping in and taking control - making sure he was doing his work, making sure it was getting turned in, checking his grades online, emailing teachers to see if there was any missing work - it was becoming a full-time job for me. Dr. A wanted me to back out and not help so much. In a panic I said, "You think I should just let him FAIL?" and she said, "YES! You finally get it!'
Mortifying.
But true. Bub is more than capable of doing any classwork/homework that is asked of him. But with me rushing in to rescue him, he didn't have a need to stand on his own. I was enabling his floundering. It wasn't my job to make sure he does well in school, it's his job. I can help set up a structure for him that will encourage success, which we have done:
Homework time is 5-6pm and during that hour there is no TV. (I don't lay out his homework or check it afterwards.)
Any zeros that show up on the online grades site must be rectified before there will be any video games.
Any classwork that is refused at school (Bub sometimes decides not to do certain assignments), will come home as homework and must be completed before he can play.
With that simple system in place, Bub has been doing fine on his own. He's not anywhere close to failing. He has learned to be responsible for his assignments and is becoming better organized. I don't have to nag him about homework or try to run the show.
He has become responsible for running that part of the machine.
I still lay his clothes out, though.
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